


Unsolicited D

by BustedBrain



Category: Labyrinth (1986)
Genre: F/M, Humour, I made up a Netflix show that I wish existed because I would watch the hell out of it, Mama gonna beat yo ass, Unsolicited Dick Pics, respect
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:22:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22548493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BustedBrain/pseuds/BustedBrain
Summary: Jareth's been sending Sarah unsolicited dick pics and Sarah is having none of it. It's time Jareth learned a lesson in respect.
Relationships: Jareth/Sarah Williams
Comments: 45
Kudos: 77





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A meme today set off this crack attack in my brain.
> 
> Meme as follows-
> 
> My Netfix prank idea:  
> Women agreeing to meet up with the guys that send them unsolicited dick pics, but when the guy arrives, its actually their mother waiting for them.
> 
> Well is that's not a J&S fic prompt I don't know what is.

“Ughhh! You poofy haired, glittery, Motherfucker!” Sarah screeched, as she launched the latest unwanted crystal out the nearby open window. It smashed into a glittering sheen against the bricks of the building across the alleyway, before vanishing. “I’m so sick of this. No, no more.”

Sarah stomped to her desk opening her laptop and pulling up a browser, with a few clicks of the mouse and several keystrokes, she had the contact info she needed. Pulling up her email she began furiously typing out a long email.

“You wanna play Fucker? Let’s see how you like this little slice.” Sarah grinned as she clicked send.

The next day, Sarah received the response she had hoped for and quickly wrote out a letter and folded it into an envelope, sealing it as she walked down the short hallway to her bedroom. 

Taking a seat in front of her old vanity, letter in hand, she called out to one of her dearest friends in all the worlds.

“Hoggle? Hoggle, are you there? Hoggle, I need you.” A smile came to her face as the mirror shimmered and cleared revealing the wrinkled face of her friend.

“Hiya Sarah? What do you need? Everythings alright ain’t it?” His concern showed in his large blue eyes.

“Good to see you Hoggle. I need to ask you a favour.”

“What is it? I’ll helps you if I can.”

“I need you to deliver a letter for me please.” Sarah opened a drawer and pulled out a pen addressing the envelope before passing it through the mirror, into Hoggles waiting hand.

Reading the name on the envelope Hoggles eyebrows shot up like rockets and his mouth gaped wide as he stared, not quite believing what he was reading.

“Wha...What do you needs me to take this to her for?”

“It’s high time that, Rat Bastard Jareth, learned a lesson and I’ll need her help in making sure he learns it.”

“Well now, if it means takin’ his royal pain in the arse down a few pegs, you can count me in. But ahh... what’s all this about?”

“I knew I could count on you Hoggle. I wish I could tell you, really I do. But for now I think it’s best you don’t know the details. I promise you will know soon enough. I’ll have you all over once this is all said and done for some snacks and Netflix. ”

“Ooooooo-ahhhh Netflix, well then. I’ll always be here, should you ever need me.”

“Hoggle, you just wait, this is going to be AMAZING.” 

A few weeks later….. 

“Ok Ma’am, so the way this is going to go is once the camera is rolling I’ll ask you a few questions about your son. Then we will be showing you some video footage of his behaviour as of late, followed by your reaction.” Said the dark haired man.

“Alright, I must say I’m rather curious as to what this is all about. What could that sweet boy of mine have been up to, to cause such a fuss?” She emphasized with a broad sweep of her delicate hand at all the people, set, lights and cameras around her.

“Well, as per the contract you signed I can’t answer that question. But if we begin, you’ll know the answer to that in just a few short minutes.”

“Fair enough, let’s get to it.” She said, with a laugh that chimed like bells.

“Great.” A signal was given to a woman next to the large camera.

“Rolling” She replied, with a nod. 

“Hello, I’m your host David D.” Said the dark haired man to the camera. “On this episode of ‘Unsolicited D’ we have with us Mrs. King, who we will be chatting with about her son Jareth King. Hello Mrs. King and thank you for joining us today.”

“It’s a pleasure to be here David.” She said with a gentle smile.

“How would you describe your son Jareth?”

“Let me see, he’s a very sweet boy who makes me very, very proud. He works extremely hard and stands up for those less fortunate. Why I couldn’t even count the amount of foster children he’s taken in over the years. He is so kind, caring, generous and very handsome if I do say so myself. He’s fun loving, musically gifted and maybe could be described as a bit of a trickster from time to time. But above all my Jareth has a heart of gold and one day when he finds that one special woman she will be his Queen.” 

“Words straight from the heart of a mother, filled with unconditional love for her son.”

“Definitely true David. I love my son with all my heart, he truly means the world to me and I would do anything for him.” 

“Now then moving on, I have a video to show you of what exactly your sweet Jareth has been up to lately. I must say he's certainly been very “generous” with the amount of “attention” he's been paying towards one special woman indeed. Let's roll the clip.”

Mrs. King put on a set of headphones as the lights dimmed, turning their attention to the small screen which had been placed in front of her. The camera quickly tightened its shot closer on her face. The directors didn’t want a bit of the reaction missed as her brow furrowed, eyes narrowed, lips drew into a tight line. Her head tilted slightly as she leaned forward just a bit before her eyes widened in shock, eyebrows shot into her hairline and mouth opened wide with an audible gasp. 

Her reaction was pure gold for the director as he whispered quietly to the camera man to widen the shot slightly to get how tight she was gripping the arm of the chair she sat in. Her nails looked to be actually piercing the thick rich leather.

As the clip ended the lights came back up and the Host David D was about to resume talking when Mrs. King found her voice.

“He did what?” She said, in that deadly calm voice only a mother possesses, that instantly fills all others with fear. A mother whose veins were burning with rage but managing to barely keep it contained, only due to the public setting they found themselves in. 

Her eyes had not left the small viewing screen.

“Now Mrs. King I imagine you are most likely a bit sh…” David found himself promptly cut off.

“Play that again. Show. Me. Again” Her words were clipped and precise. 

David found himself actually terrified of this woman. Delicate as her features might be, he caught himself checking the room for possible exits and questioning whether he actually needed this job or not.

“Ummm... Yes, sure, we can do that. Craig? Where’s Craig? Craig, can you cue the clip again for Mrs. King. Quickly.” David managed to choke out, desperately trying to regain full control of his motor functions.

The lights dimmed for a second time as Mrs. King reviewed the damning video footage once more.

When the light came back up once again Mrs. Kings eyes were closed as she took deep breaths in through her nose and releasing through her gently pursed red lips. Deep calming breaths.

“Are you alright Mrs. King?” David asked quietly after several moments of deathly still silence on the set. Her crystal blue eyes fluttered open as she locked eyes with the host.

She removed the headphones, shaking her head slightly.

“I raised him better than this. Years, and years, of lessons and etiquette training and that, that, that, SPOILED LITTLE SHIT behaves like this?” She flung her arm towards the viewing screen on which she had just witnessed the crude behaviour no mother would ever think their darling boy capable of. “This is all his father's influence. That poor excuse of a male couldn’t keep his prick in his pants if his life depended on it. I truly feel for that girl, having to put up with such atrocious behaviour and I'll be damn sure my sadly misguided, sorry excuse for offspring, learns to give women respect from here on out. That miserable little...”

“Would you like to see him? He’s here. We have a coffee shop setup in a storefront just next door, where Jareth thinks Sarah has agreed to meet with him for a date in 5 minutes.” David managed to say clearly, even with every cell in his body telling him to run far, far away from this terrifying woman.

“Take me to my son. Right. Now.”

“Alright folks let's move.” The director called out, as crew members pulled up curtains on the far wall, revealing what appeared to be two way mirrors looking in on said coffee shop.

“Right this way Mrs. King.” Said David, as he tried very hard to maintain his bladder control, while they proceeded to the set door. ‘I hear Bali is nice this time of year or maybe Bora Bora,’ he thought to himself, still thinking about making a getaway far, far, away from the enraged woman to his left, as he pushed open the door leading her out and to the right, towards the coffee shop.


	2. Chapter 2

Meanwhile at the coffee shop…

Jareth sat in the corner booth of the quaint coffee shop, Sarah had informed him she liked to frequent and chose for their date. His eyes trained on the door, watching, waiting, for the beautiful face of his love to walk on through. He hoped she was wearing her hair down today, he loved her long sable locks.

He had a rather large smile on his face, as he envisioned the way her beautiful green eyes would light up at the sight of him. He had after all put extra care into his appearance that day. Even donning a glamour to dull himself a bit, to fit among the mortals. More subtle brows, yet still elegantly arched. Hair shorter and a few shades darker, yet still what could be considered a longer style. A style that says I rolled out of bed this way, but really took an indecent amount of time, hair products and hot styling tools to pull off. The length just brushed the collar of his impeccably tailored, charcoal coloured, leather jacket in the back and fell gently around his eyes, framing his sharp cheekbones just right. 

That smile quickly faded as the door opened and it was not his Sarah who entered. He blinked owlishly, confused at what he saw. What was his mother doing here of all places, and why the bloody hell was she glaring at him as if she were about to rip off his head and take a shit down his throat? 

His throat bobbed as he swallowed at the thought of that image.

No… Oh no… this was bad, this was very, very, bad. He had not seen his mother this furious since that night a few centuries back, when he and his friends had gotten rip roaring drunk and came above up to no good. They thought up a foolish plan that ended up with them taking over a well known play, with he himself playing the role of a certain mischievous sprite. 

This was not going to end well. His eyes darted around the room taking note that his mother stood between him and the only exit to freedom. Would it be such a terrible thing to reveal the existence of magic to all the morals present by using his magic to escape? Not like there was actually anywhere in all the realms he could hide where she could not find him. His only option was to face whatever this was head on. ‘Dammit, I’m a King, not a coward. Good Gods I don’t recall her ever being this scary.’ He thought to himself as he cowered slightly.

“Gods help me.” He muttered, as he rose to his feet in a show of respect, while plastering a smile on his face to mask the sheer terror he felt inside.

“Mother, what a pleasant surprise. To what do I owe the pleasure of this very unexpected visit?” 

“You’ll not believe this to be a pleasure by the time I am finished with you you vile, disrespectful, sorry excuse for a male.”

“Mother, I…” His mouth slammed shut, magically sealed, at his mother's command. One long, slim, finger raised in a show of silence.

“Not. Another. Word.”

Jareth's blood ran cold. He did not move a muscle, did not even dare nod or blink. Yes this was indeed very, very bad.

“You will sit. You will look at me. You will listen. You will not utter a single word, until I have had my say.” Her voice was deadly calm, but Jareth could see the raging inferno burning in those eyes that mirrored his own, as she gracefully stalked towards him. This was not just his mother, no this was the High Queen. 

“Sit.” She pointed towards the seat Jareth had previously occupied moments earlier, while waiting for Sarah. Which seemed like a lifetime ago now, as he took his place across from the woman who gave him life. But now, judging by her behaviour, may very well be the cause of his demise. What was it again, that saying sometimes used by human parents? AH yes, ‘I brought you into this world, I can take you out!’ Very appropriate in this moment, he thought. 

“I am ashamed of you.” She began. “No, no, ashamed does not quite encompass all it is that I am feeling at the moment.” Her fingers twined together as she rested her hands on the table between them.

“Your behaviour as of late, shown to me today by the dark haired gentleman who is currently cowering by the door, attempting not to soil himself, is no better than that sorry excuse of a father of yours.” 

At hearing mention of himself, David D. tried his best to become one with the vibrant green ficus beside him. 

“Do you even know what it is that you have done? You may nod your head if you do.” She waited a moment while her son sat still as a statue across from her.

“Well then, I suppose I should enlighten you as to what has brought us together on this fine day. Time for Mother to tell her son, a little story. You see Jareth a few weeks back, I was sitting in my garden having tea, when to my surprise one of your groundskeepers appeared and brought me a letter. If that in itself didn’t strike me as odd what truly got my attention was that the letter he brought me was from one Sarah Williams. Sarah being a female I know for certain you are very familiar with. She wrote to say she was at her wits end and needed my help. She asked me to come here today to help teach you a very important lesson. Now I came here today thinking that Sarah Williams must be confused or mistaken in some way. What silly, harmless mischief could my son have possibly gotten into that would require me to intervene. I admit my curiosity got the better of me and I agreed to come and see what this was all about. The gentleman currently attempting to disguise himself as a woodland nymph, with that poor potted plant, asked me to talk about you and I had nothing but kind words to describe my son. There I was singing your praises like a damned fool. Then he showed me a video that Sarah had recorded over the past few weeks that shocked and appalled me. The things she said I quickly brushed off. I was sure she was mistaken, the vile act she was describing could not possibly be at the hands of my sweet Prince. I quickly realized how very wrong I was when she opened a box containing the daily messages she had been receiving.” 

At hearing this Jareth's eyes opened wide in horror as his mother continued on.

“Messages that I know could come from no other, since they were contained in your very own ‘extra special’ form of stationary. Do you have an idea now of what it is that I was shown today Jareth? Hmmm? Judging by the expression on your face, I think you might. You may nod your head if you do.” Mrs. King leaned back in her chair, pausing to allow her son a brief moment to acknowledge his wrong doing.

Jareth's throat bobbed as he swallowed, giving three small nods of his head. Eyes lowering to the table in shame. 

“I did not tell you that you may look away. You will keep your eyes on me at all times when I speak to you.”

Jareth’s eyes quickly snapped back up to the fearsome gaze of his Mother.

“That’s better. Now you may understand why it is that I am ashamed of you, my son. 

“I raised you better than this, you were taught to respect women. I was under the impression that you cared for Miss Williams, that you held her and her achievements in high regard. I thought perhaps you may have been possibly interested in pursuing a courtship with her. But no, instead of showing her all the wonderful attributes you possess. You disrespect her in a manner for which i honestly have no words at the moment to describe. How thick is that head of yours? You honestly think by harassing that highly intelligent, kind, sweet, caring woman with daily images of your prick, that she would simply swoon at the sight of it and fall upon it? Do you honestly think, a close up shot of making your dick dance while you sing ‘You remind me of the Babe, What Babe? The Babe I want on my cock.’ Would secure you a wife? Do those ridiculously tight pants not show it off enough as it is that you feel the need to pose it, photograph it? Is putting a little bow tie on it a frequent practice for you? And that moustache and little Hawaiian shirt? Actually, never mind, I really do not want to know the answer to that. I can never unsee that. It probably would have served you better to rip it off and send it to her in the mail like those damned horny racing goblins. You disgust me. You don’t deserve her. She deserves so much more than the likes of you. What do you have to say for yourself?”

At that the magical bond his mother had placed on him lifted, releasing his lips back into his own control.

“Forgive me Mother, I have made a grave mistake. Times have changed a great deal and I wanted to impress Sarah in a way familiar to her. To my understanding with those I’ve talked with and my research on the internet, my actions are what is now the new standard to which males use to attract their desired mates. I simply wanted to impress upon Sarah my desire in which to be with her and to have her as my mate, my equal, my wife, my Queen. No disrespect was meant at all. I have only the highest of respect for Sarah, as she is truly my equal in every way.”

“You are not her equal, you are below her and it is not my forgiveness you need beg for, but hers. She is the one you’ve disrespected, that you have wronged. If she were here now, I’d encourage her to cut off your prick and throw in an oubliette or better yet that Gods awful bog. That way, if you ever figured out how to reattach the damned thing, no one would ever go near it ever again. Then maybe you would learn your lesson and feel the amount of remorse you truly should. But I suspect Sarah being the kind, sweet caring person she is, would never stoop to those levels while seeking retribution. No she is quite content on settling the score with humiliating you.”

“Humiliating me how Mother?”One elegantly arched eyebrow raised in question.

“Ahhh, that brilliant woman had the idea to contact a company called Netflix where they have created an entire series of programs just to humiliate spoiled, entitled, little shits such as yourself. I do believe today's taping will air next month.” A smug smile was on her face at this, a look silently saying, this was exactly what he deserved and he will take this punishment or suffer much worse consequences at her hand. 

“Today’s taping?” A lead weight dropped in the pit of his stomach.

“Yes my son, you’re on camera and your behaviour will be available for all who wish to see. On.. what was the program called again David?” Mrs. King spoke to the frightened man without even so much as a glance in his direction.

Jareth's eyes finally landed on the cowardly man by the door gripping a sorry looking plant as some sort of life line.

“Uhhh , that would… that is … I … I mean… Unsolicited D, Mrs. King.” He stammered.

“Unsolicited D?” Jareth asked of the odd sounding, nonsensical name. 

“Yes, you see you’ve been sending Sarah what is called Unsolicited Dick Pics. A highly common yet very undesirable message that can pop up in the lives of any unsuspecting woman at any time. Idiots like yourself send these thinking that it will secure them their mate of choice. Most of these messages will catch a woman off guard, since they come from supposed ‘Nice Guys’.”

Jareth raked his hands back through his hair. “What have I done? I’ve fucked it all up.”

“Oh you have most certainly fucked up, you stupid idiot. The question is what do you plan on doing about it?”

“With her stubbornness she’ll most likely never let me talk to her and explain myself.”

“It just so happens that this recording is not yet complete. You have an opportunity to speak to the camera and send a message to Sarah. In the meantime I’ll be heading home where we will continue this discussion as soon as you are finished begging her for her forgiveness for this truly despicable behaviour. Apparently we need to figure out a schedule for you to resume taking lessons on how to respect women with myself as your instructor. I should think 3 days a week may suffice and you will continue to have these lessons until I see fit to dismiss you.” At that she stood, smoothing her dress, preparing to leave.

“Yes Mother, I will come to you directly once I have finished here.” Jareth also stood, leading her towards the door.

“Good bye David. And for Gods sake man pull yourself together. You’re a pitiful mess.” Said Mrs. King, as she breezed through the door held open for her.

“Yes Mrs. King. Good bye, pleasure to meet you.” David said, brushing a ficus leaf off his shoulder. The sweet feeling of relief flowing through him as she walked out through the door and hopefully far, far away, never to be seen again.

As the door closed behind his mother Jareth let loose a large sigh, as his shoulders sagged.

“So then David, what did you think of my mother?” Jareth asked knowing full well what answer he would receive. 

“She is honestly the most terrifying woman I have ever met in my life.”

“Yes, she most certainly is.” he nodded in agreement as he spoke.

“If you’re ready we can head to the studio set next door, talk and record your side of things.”

“Gods, how the hell did I get myself in this bloody mess? Wise man my ass.” Jareth said aloud to himself, before turning to facing the other man. “A word of advice David. Never take advice on how to woo a lady from anyone wearing a talking bird on their head.” Jareth closed his eyes as he spoke. Pinching the bridge of his nose at the feeling of the headache brewing from how horribly wrong this day had gone. “Also the internet is a festering cesspool.”

“Uhhhh… I’ll keep that in mind. Right this way if you would.” He held open the door leading Jareth to the left towards the studio. ‘Talking bird? Did he take advice from some whacked out pirate or something? What is this guy on?’ He thought as they headed next door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> Credit for the racing goblins mentioned by Mrs King goes to the brilliant brain of Mr Brian Froud and you can read up on the randy little buggers in the book The Goblins of Labyrinth


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for a viewing party... on with the show!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N   
> Hello meesa back! Before we proceed with this instalment of Unsolicited D I just wanted to mention that I made a few changes in chapter one with Hoggles dialogue. Nothing that changes the plot or anything, I just really felt that the busted brain failed terribly in capturing his voice.

The following month… 

“Hey guys! Perfect timing, I was just finishing up putting out the snacks.” Sarah called out, as she heard the sound of her friends arriving through her bedroom mirror.

“Ludo love snacks.” The shaggy beast came into view as he lowered his head and maneuvered his shoulders through the doorway into the hallway.

“I know big guy, I made you your very own Ludo sized bowl of popcorn. I’m pretty sure you’ll know which one is yours.” She said with a smile, as she patted his cheek.

By Ludo sized, Sarah ment a big blue rubbermaid tote she’d dug out of her storage closet. She popped a dozen bags of popcorn for the evening, ten of which were for Ludo alone. The tote was placed over in a larger free area of the living room floor. A turkey platter sat next to it, which held a veggie tray piled up with four whole cabbages, two 2 lbs bags of carrots, four whole broccoli, two bunches of celery and a super sized bottle of ranch dressing poured into the biggest mixing bowl she owned.

The coffee table was filled with three smaller bowls of popcorn, a tray of various meats and cheeses, another tray of veggies and hummus, and several big brown jugs from the local brewery around the block. 

“Ok guys I got an IPA, a lager, a red and they had a new Irish cream ale. Didymus I have a bottle of red in the kitchen for you if you want to go grab it, I didn’t get a chance to bring it in yet.”

“But of course, fair maiden. It truly shows the kindness of your heart for you to provide such a plethora of goods for us this evening. Why it is indeed quite the banquet.” Said the fox knight, with a swooping bow.

“I figured why not go all out tonight, I can’t wait to see that Rat Bastard get what he deserves.” She replied with an oh so smug smile.

“You still hasn’t said what his Nibs did to set you off in all this.” Came the gruff voice of Hoggle, as he helped himself, filling a glass from one of the jugs of ale.

“And spoil the surprise? Gentlemen you are in for quite the entertaining night. Grab a seat and let's get star…” The sound of the doorbell cut Sarah off.

“Now who could that be?” She wondered out loud as she headed to the door.

Looking out the peephole Sarah furrowed her brow in confusion, as she saw what looked to be flowers. 

“Can I help you?” She said upon opening the door.

The flowers lowered revealing a middle aged man in a garish coloured ball cap and matching bowling style company logoed shirt.

“Sarah Williams?” He asked.

“Yes, I’m Sarah Williams.”

“Well if you’re Sarah Williams, then I have a delivery for you. Please sign here.” He passed her a clipboard.

“For me?Wow. Who are these from?” Sarah took the clipboard and quickly signed on the indicated line and handed it back.

“Don’t ask me, I’m just the delivery guy.” He handed her the flowers and tipped his hat before turning and walking away.

“Ok, well thank you.” Sarah called to the retreating figure before closing the door and heading to the kitchen for a vase.

Returning to the living room, Sarah set the flowers on an end table next to the couch.

“What’s all that?” Hoggle asked, eyes narrowing at the arrangement suspiciously. 

“I’m not sure, but they’re gorgeous, that's for sure.” Sarah lightly ran a finger over the delicate petals.

“Odd combination of flowers if you asks me. Who they from?” Hoggle slid himself off the couch and hobbled over to get a closer look.

“I’m not sure, there wasn't a card. Maybe the show producers?”

“Hrmph, doubt that.” Hoggle grumbled, poking at the blooms with a gnarled finger.

“Why such doubt, Sir Hoggle?” Sir Didymus drew near and his nose twitched in the direction of the blooms. He drew several deep breaths before releasing a contented sigh. “I do say, what a lovely fragrance.”

Hoggle rolled his eyes knowing darn well the fox had not a lick of a sense of smell left. “Likes I said, it’s an odd combination of flowers.”

“Ok Mr. royal groundskeeper extraordinaire, do tell, what is so odd about these flowers? They’re gorgeous and I think it’s unique, not odd. The flower shop they came from is known for bolder arrangements, not the typical dozen roses with baby's breath, pink carnations or rainbow dyed gerbera daisies.” She folded her arms across her chest as she waited to hear what he had to say.

“Ever hear of the language of flowers?” Hoggle turned his attention away from the flowers towards Sarah.

“Well i know red roses are the symbol of love if that's what you mean.”

“The language of flowers goes a heck of a lot deeper than that. Take these flowers here for example. Like you said, these here red roses means love or what do you call it, uhh … passion, yeah that's it, passion . This here begonia would say to the person who gets them, beware or dark thoughts. This here long decorative grass that you would think is just filler, like ferns or whatnot, symbolizes submission. And this one, do you know what this here be?” Sarah's eyes followed the direction Hoggle pointed, to a branch of pale pink blossoms.

“Sure those are apple blossoms. My parents have a crab apple tree in the backyard and the blossoms look like those.” Sarah replied smugly, she did know a thing or two about flowers after all.

“Close but not quite. If those were crab apples it would mean ill temper. But those be peach blossoms and the meaning of thems is to say, I am your captive.”

“Well none of that makes any sense. I think you might be looking a bit deeper into things than need be.”

“Likes I said, odd combination.” With that Hoggle settled himself back onto the couch taking a long drink of the dark brown ale. “This here’s not too bad at all.”

“Ludo watch Kingy?” 

Sarah’s attention was drawn back towards Ludo at his question. He was a mess of ranch dressing on his large paw and popcorn standing out against his red fur, making Sarah smile. He was like a very, very, large child.

“Yes I’ll start the show. All right here we go!” She said as she settled onto the couch next to Hoggle and pressed play on the controller.

*************

“Hoo Ha Ha Ha! I think those two damn near soiled their breeches. I almost forgot how fearsome her Highness can be.” Hoggle dabbed the tears from his eyes with a well worn handkerchief.

“This couldn’t have gone any better. This was a brilliant plan, if I do say so myself and seeing as I haven't received any more unwanted crystals I think he may have actually learned his lesson. So I think that leaves the scorecard at 2 points Sarah and a big fat ZERO for the oh so fearsome Goblin King.” Sarah raised her glass and downed the contents in celebration of yet another victory against he who wears the tight pants.

“Well played my Lady. I do say my Liege has met his match in battle. Serves him right for acting like such a cad towards our fair maiden. I dare say I may have a word with him myself on how to carry oneself with honour in attempting to woo a maiden.” At that Sir Didymus raised his glass in salute to Sarah.

“Ludo Scared.”

“There, there, my brother.” The fox knight hopped off the couch and moved to console the trembling beast. “Her Royal Highness is only cross with His Majesty. Thou art safe.” 

“Oh, Oh, Shhh, here he is I want to hear what the ‘Sweet Little Prince' has to say after that verbal beat down his mother just gave him.” Sarah grabbed the TV remote and turned up the volume to drown out Didymus jabbering on to Ludo as Hoggle refilled their glasses with more ale.

**********

“Hi folks, David D here with you once again, back in the studio. I’m here with Jareth King, whom we saw earlier confronted by his mother. Now Jareth, what are your thoughts on everything that's happened today. Clearly this day has not been at all what you expected.”

“My thoughts David? I’m not sure you truly wish to hear my thoughts on the matter. But I can wholeheartedly agree with you that today has not turned out remotely anywhere near what I had expected. I expected to be sitting and have a light meal and wonderful conversation with Sarah Williams, not to be flayed by the vicious tongue of my mother.”

“Yes your mother had a very… How shall I put it? Strong, reaction to the video we showed her from Sarah, on her side of things.”

“Ah yes, the ever lovely Miss Sarah Williams, the reason behind today's little get together. May I see this video?” 

“Of course. Where’s Craig? Craig, can we cue the tape please?”

A monitor is quickly wheeled in and the lights lowered.

“Hello My name is Sarah Williams. I am 32 years old, work in graphic design and live in New York City.”

“I have contacted Unsolicited D due to an ongoing issue I’ve been having with a long ago acquaintance. For the longest time I chose to ignore the matter and destroyed everything he sent my way. I’ve sent messages to him, asking him to stop. I even told him his attention would be of better use on fixing up his neighbourhood. Seriously he lives in a dump, literally. I sent these messages through mutual contacts but it did no good. It may seem silly to some but I didn’t want to have any form of verbal communication, giving him any feeling of power to come to me.”

“When I heard about this show I thought it was the perfect opportunity to deal with the matter in a most satisfying way. You see long ago I was told that I can be cruel, and I never felt that I agreed with that until now. Yes I do believe that it is cruel to bring his mother into this situation, she is innocent in all this. But from my past experience with Mr. King, this would be the exact lesson necessary for him to learn in respecting not just myself, but all women. His mother is a dignified, highly educated, intelligent and powerful woman, who I feel is definitely up to the task of taking on her wayward son.” 

“Mrs King, at this time I feel I should be talking to you rather than the audience who will be watching this. First of all I would like to apologize for bringing you into this big mess in the first place. But as you well know when it comes to your son and the brief period in which we met, the thought of confronting him can be a bit overwhelming. Frankly I believe he would simply try to twist my words in a matter that suits him better in whatever it is that he is trying to accomplish with all this. Speaking of all this I guess I have to tell you what it is that Jareth has been up to. Up until two weeks ago I had been destroying these as they arrived, as you can clearly see they have his ‘unique’ calling card.” Sarah reached down next to her and brings a box filled to the top with crystals into view.

“I’m not exactly sure how to tell you this, but I must, because I really do need your help in this matter. Ok here goes nothing. You see your son has been sending me what is commonly called unsolicited dick pics. It’s sometimes asked for but more often than not, seemingly ‘Nice Guys’, out of the blue will send out a picture of their dick, basically thinking women simply won't be able to resist the pull to that dick and get them laid. I never asked for this, but for some reason your son got it in that big poofy head of his that sending me daily images of his shall we call it royal jewels was a good idea. Now I don’t know about you but receiving images such as this puts many thoughts in my head and none of them involve actually wanting to copulate with your son.” Sarah picks up a crystal and holds it close to the camera and turns her wrist slightly, revealing within the crystal a montage of still shots of Jareth’s dick, sporting a glittery bow tie, in various poses with a few very creative props.

“I don’t think there is really much else I can say,” Sarah lifted another crystal into view followed by several more, lining them up in a row in front of her, playing out their damning evidence. “These really say it all. I’ve been getting these DAILY for months and it needs to stop or I will not be held responsible for my actions. I assume at some point in time you would like to have grandchildren, well if I get my hands on him, grandchildren will no longer be an option. ” Another crystal is brought into view with a new scene. In which Jareth’s dick is seen jumping and jerking about proudly as a voice can be heard singing, 

Cock Magic Cock,  
Cock Magic Cock,  
Put my magic cock in you

“Every girl’s dream right here I tell ya. And then there is this one here, this straight up boggled my mind, what was he going for here, Freddy Mercury? Or is it a Magnum P.I. look? How would he even know about Magnum P.I.?” Another montage filled the screen with Jareth’s most royal bits modelling a rather robust moustache and vibrant Hawaiian shirts of different designs.

“I know Jareth is your only child and that you love him dearly. He has brought endless joy into your life, but right now he is annoying the living shit out of me and needs to stop. I’m sure there is no other who could possibly handle this situation better than yourself, because if I get my hands on him it won’t end well and honestly a charge of regicide is not something my perfectly spotless criminal record wants to be part of. I know he’s not all bad that’s why I think with your guidance he can learn the proper respect for not just myself but for all women. Once again I am truly sorry for bringing you into this mess, but I didn’t know what else would possibly get through all that hair and thick skull. Lastly I just want to thank you for agreeing to take part in this… well whatever this mess is. I know you are a very busy woman so thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping with this matter. If I can ever be of assistance to you in return you have my word that I will do whatever is in my power to return the favour.” 

The lights came back up with Jareth sitting, fingers steepled with the tips resting on his lower lip. You could see the wheels turning in his head.

“Now Jareth is there anything you would like to say to Sarah?” Asked David with a shudder, ‘Did the temperature just drop in here?’ he wondered.

“Yes, I do believe I have a thing or two I would like to say to Miss Williams.” The tone of his voice mirrored the frigid feel of the air in the studio.

“Well then the camera is all yours, go ahead and tell Sarah what it is you feel about your actions and the situation at hand.” 

The camera came in for a tighter shot on Jareth, for this pivotal moment that the director did not want to miss. These moments are what made him his name as a director. These small glimpses into lives,thoughts and feelings. Moments like this that were sure to garner a possible reconciliation or at least the possibility of forgiveness for lessons learned. These moments were what brought in the ratings and got him the big bucks. 

“Low blow Sarah, low blow. I never took you for a coward, but seeing as you didn’t see fit to confront me yourself I can really come to no other conclusion than that of your friend Bogwart rubbing off on you. Really Sarah? I’m sorry it's come to this. I’m not sure you fully grasp the magnitude of what it is you’ve done. You brought my mother into this. I’ll be dealing with the effects of that little choice of yours for years to come and if you think that I alone will be the one to suffer, well my dear buckle up because you’re in for a bumpy ride. My mother Sarah, really? What were you thinking?”

“Ummm Jareth isn’t there something else you would like to say to Sarah? Something perhaps from deeper within you?” David said trying to nudge Jareth in the direction of a heartfelt apology.

“Ah yes David, there is one more thing indeed.” Jareth leaned forward in his chair, elbows braced on knees and fingers threaded together, mismatched eyes glaring straight into the lens. A smile on his face that didn’t reach his eyes, revealing sharp, uneven teeth. “I’ll be in touch my dear. Seems we have matters to discuss. You’ll be hearing from me very soon.” With a wink, he rose from his seat and walked off the set. Leaving a very baffled David D. wondering what the fuck just happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> Dun..Dun...Dunnnnnnnnn. Oh no, I bet that wasn't what Sarah was expecting to hear.
> 
> I have nothing to say for myself. I'm not even gonna pretend that I'll be updating again soon but I'm trying for soon-ish. Things are hectic AF, its like everything's on fire and no one has an extinguisher. But hey I actually updated something lol 
> 
> Keep your stick on the ice


	4. Chapter 4

“I’ll be in touch my dear. Seems we have matters to discuss. You’ll be hearing from me very soon.”

*************

“What the actual FUCK was that?” Sarah sat staring at the television, completely dumbfounded, trying to process what just happened.

“That was not at all what I was expecting after her majesty just ripped a strip off him.”replied Hoggle, he found himself just as thrown for a loop as Sarah.

“Right? I was hoping for… well I don’t know what exactly I was hoping for, but it sure as shit wasn’t that.” She gestured toward the TV, as she flopped back further into the corner of the couch, arms folding over the chest.

“Thinking maybe some grovelin or at least a please forgives me Sarah.” Hoggle removed his leather cap and scratched at his head in wonder at what he just saw on the screen.

“He didn’t even apologize! I’m pretty sure all he did was vaguely threaten me.” Sarah growled as she reached to refill her glass.

“That no good rat bastard. He only knows…” The beginnings of the dwarfs tirade were cut off by the sound of knocking at the door.

“Ugh what now?” Sarah groaned as she heaved herself up off the couch and headed to the door again. Looking through the peephole she could see the slightest glimpse of blond hair and a black leather clad shoulder. 

All her internal alarm bells went off then like fireworks on the Fourth of July as she turned back to Hoggle with a panic stricken face.

“Hoggle what did you say those flowers meant again?” Sarah managed to croak out, as her brain tried to catch up with what was happening.

“Uhh Roses, love or passion. Begonias, beware or dark thoughts. Peach for captive and grass be submission. Why?” Hoggle counted off the flowers in the arrangement on his fingers as he spoke. His face slightly pinched as if thinking was becoming a bit of a chore, the mortal made ale was perhaps little stronger than he had expected it to be.

Sarah jumped when there was another knock on the door, slightly louder this time.

“Uhhhh...You gonna get that?” Questioned the confused Dwarf as he paused in refilling his glass once again. Hoggle was never one to leave good ale to waste.

“Oh fuck why didnt I see it? Stupid, stupid… ugh.” Her voice trailed off to inarticulate grumbling as she scrubbed her hands down her face.

“What troubles thee fair maiden? Did thou miss something of importance? A knight is always at the ready to aid a Lady in need.” Didymus chimed in with a hiccup, both his glass and bottle empty, he seemed to have missed some of the important bits of information in his merry glow. 

“The flowers, the stupid fucking “odd combination” of flowers. Fear me, Love me, Do as I say, I will be your slave. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid. It’s him, the flowers are from him.” She flung her arm behind her in the direction of the door at her back.

Polite knocking time seemed to have come to an end when a loud pounding was heard on the door, as well as a muffled clearing of a throat. Basically the Goblin King informing them non verbally that he could easily hear them from his position on the other side of the door.

“You mean to tell me that be him trying to beat down your door right now?” Hoggle eyes grew larger and his jaw became slack as he tried to process what was happening.

“Apparently, ‘We have matters to discuss. You’ll be hearing from me soon,’ means right fucking now.” Sarah dropped her voice several octaves and mimicked the Goblin Kings speech patterns as best she could, with her stress levels soaring as high as they were.

“Gahhhhh! Gotta run.” Hoggle dropped his glass on the table with a slosh and grabbed Didymus by the arm as he quickly hobbled towards Ludo who was contentedly licking the last of the ranch dressing from the mixing bowl.

“Hoggle?? You coward!” She screeched in disbelief as she watched history replay itself once again. When the going got tough the dwarf got going, at a speed as if his ass were on fire.

“Thanks for havin’ us. Move you giant shag carpet... MOVE!” He yelled as he shoved at Ludo with all his might to get him moving towards Sarah’s room and their only means of escape.

“Some friends you are.” Sarah called out down the hall, as her friends vanished from sight into the darkness of her bedroom.

He attention was once again returned to the door with another, more polite, knock.

“Sarah, I know you and those treacherous subjects of mine are in there. I can hear you all quite clearly. Shall I stand out here all night or are you going to let me in?” The Goblin King said in a rather bored tone. Sarah could envision him examining his fingernails as he spoke.

“Leaving you out in the hallway sounds like a fabulous idea to me. Enjoy your evening.” Sarah called back through the door, as she gathered up the mess in the living room into the empty tote once filled with Ludo’s popcorn. Sopping up the tabletop with a handful of napkins to clean up Hoggle’s hastily discarded, rear full, glass of ale.

“Ahem and I quote, ‘Hoggle, You coward,’ Who's the coward now Sarah?” There was a singsong quality in his voice, it was a challenge, she knew he was trying to bait her.

“I most certainly am not a coward. I just have nothing to say to you that hasn't already been said. Now go away and leave me alone. I'm sure you have much better ways you could be spending your evening. Isn’t there some piles of chicken shit or puddles of goblin piss you could be scrubbing in that dumpster you call the throne room, rather than pestering me?” With that she gathered up the last of the mess into the tote and picked it up, heading in the direction of the kitchen.

“Pestering you? My dear Sarah, there is plenty left to be said, you had your say in that ridiculous video you made for that ludicrous show. Now allow me the same courtesy to have my say.”

“Go ahead, I’m listening.” Sarah sat the tote on the kitchen floor and made her way back to the door, leaning her back against it to hear him out.

“I refuse to have this conversation through a door while standing in a hallway. A hallway I might add, that is full of the most revolting mixture of scents. Honestly Sarah, you say i live in squalor? What do you call this hovel? Now let me in, you blasted, infuriating woman.” 

“No.”

“I’m not going anywhere until you let me in and allow me to have my say. As an immortal I have all the time in the world Sarah, do you?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” 

“I beg to differ.” He scoffed, highly annoyed at the way the conversation was going.

“Well this conversation is going nowhere fast and I have to work tomorrow. Good night Jareth and good riddance, I’m going to bed.”

At that Sarah pushed herself off the door and headed down the hall, just as the lights all went out .

“Very funny Jareth. But changes nothing.” Sarah turned and felt her way along the wall to the kitchen where she knew there was a flashlight in the junk drawer, next to the fridge. She moved carefully so as to not trip on the tote she’d left there moments ago and go ass over tea kettle in the pitch black kitchen.

She rummaged through the drawer, her hand passing over loose twist ties, tea lights, duct tape, expired coupons, screws and thumbtacks, before finally closing on the smooth cylindrical handle.

Flashlight in hand, Sarah followed the beam of light down the hallway to her bedroom. 

Well could you really call a room without a bed a bedroom? Sarah turned scanning the entire room, even checking the ceiling for her wayward furniture that all had vanished like a fart in the wind, including the vanity she knew her friends had just used moments ago to scurry back home.

“Real mature there, your majesty. Really fucking mature. guess I’ll just sleep on the couch.” Sarah yelled in the direction of the door. 

As she made her way towards the living room, the light from the flashlight sputtered and died. She paused her movements in the dark hall, grumbling a string of curses so profane that it would make a sailor blush, as the hard plastic took on a much smoother texture and the weight in her hand increased as well. It finally clicked in her head what was happening when she noticed that the ‘no longer a flashlight’ was actually moving, the feeling of muscles contracting in rhythmic sequence and the smooth weight began coiling around her wrist and forearm.

Sarah made her way to the living room where she could see a bit better, with the city lights shining dimly through the drawn curtains. Uncoiling her new companion from her wrist she held it up in the light to get a better look at the handsome fellow, whose scales glittered slightly in what little light there was.

“Jokes on you Jareth, snakes don’t scare me anymore.” She said as she took the last few steps to where her couch definitely should have been. Looking around the room one by one every single piece of furniture disappeared with a small popping sound. 

‘Well shit’ she thought. This was going to be a very long, long, night indeed. She closed her eyes and took three long, deep, cleansing breaths, before turning back towards the door.

“Are you always this annoying?” She asked.

“I prefer the term persistent.” She could hear the smile she knew was oh so smugly plastered, across his oh so punchable face.

With a huff she grabbed her purse and keys from the hook on the wall and flung open the door to a Goblin King who was currently looking overly pleased with himself in getting his way of being face to face with her. A look that was quickly muted as she deposited the snake into his hands. 

“I believe this is yours.” She said as she turned her back to him, locking the door.

“There you are my dear, now was that so hard to come out and say hello?” He crooned, leaning in with one forearm braced against the doorframe, as the snake coiled contentedly around his wrist.

“Goodbye, I’m going to a hotel for the night.”

“Not so fast.” He quickly side stepped blocking her off, giving her the only options to back herself against the door or collide with his chest. “Now that I have you here we are going to have a little chat, you and I. You’ve had your say, now I shall have mine.” His eyes glinted with mischief as he moved in a bit closer to keep her cornered without a possible path of escape.

“Oh trust me what I said was a watered down version of what i wanted to say to you. But I chose to take the high road on that one.”

“High road, you call involving my mother in that sham of a program, aimed solely at my humiliation, taking the high road?” With the twist of his wrist the snake vanished, allowing him to cage her in with both hands braced on the wall.

“Yes I do you skeevy son of a bitch. You refused to stop any other way, so you got exactly what you deserved.”

“Bringing my mother into this was low Sarah, and you damn well know it.” 

“Serves you right, I hope mommy makes her sweet little prince suffer in his litle lessons.” She poked him in his chest as she spoke, getting directly in his face. She was far past annoyed and done playing nice with this entitled jack ass in front of her. 

“Oh my dear Sarah, there most certainly will be suffering, but I’ll let you in on a little secret.” with a tilt of his head he leans in close to her ear. “I won't be the only one to suffer. My lessons for you on the other hand are much different from my mothers lesson plan.”

“Surprise, surprise, more threats from the oh so big and scary Goblin King. Newsflash pal, I’ve already suffered at your hands, being subjected to your constant harassment and I’m done. Do you hear me? D-O-N-E... Done. So have fun with your mommy and get the hell out of my way and out my life!” She was pissed, fists clenched tightly at her sides. No way would she be cowed by the likes of him.  
“It was not my intent to harass you, I was simply trying to show my interest in you, in a way familiar to your kind.” He tried using a more soothing tone, as he relaxed his stance slightly in an attempt to diffuse the situation. He was no idiot, it would be impossible to make a rage fueled woman see sense in his words and give him the time of day. 

“Ha! Well you failed, spectacularly. Have you no shame?”

“I see nothing to be ashamed of, certainly not my anatomy if that is what you are referring to.”

“I get it, you're proud of your pee pee and want to show it off. You’ve shown it from every angle and I've seen it do its little tricks. Now here's a little secret of my own, I’ve seen bigger and better. In fact I have bigger and better in my nightstand drawer. Guaranteed to satisfy. No strings attached and best of all, no you.” She punctuated with another stab of her finger square in the center of his chest.

“Pee pee? Now who’s being ‘real fucking mature’? I guarantee not a single damn thing in that drawer of yours can ever compare to the things I can do to your body. Why must you fight me Sarah? Can’t you see what I see? What a magnificent force we could be together? You feel it don’t you? That pull that….Ahhhhh” Jareth’s face contorted to a look warring on surprise and pain.

Sarah’s eyes were drawn off Jareth’s face to the sight of his mother who had a vice tight grasp on his ear.

“Well now. What do we have here?” She cooed, saccharinely. 

“Hello mother, what a wonderful surprise. To what do we owe the pleasure?” As he spoke he was guided a few steps back by his mothers hand securely still clamped on his ear. Allowing Sarah some much needed room to breathe.

“Do you honestly think I don’t know how that head of yours works boy? Did you think for one moment that I wouldn't be watching you?” Her face, cold and hard, a stern mask of one severely pissed off mother. 

“I had hoped to have a private moment to make Sarah see reason.”

“Clearly your lessons aren’t getting through all that hair, I think perhaps lessons need to be upped to 5 days a week.”

“That’s not necessary, Mother. I…”

“Oh my boy, I insist. Wait for me in the drawing room.” She released his ear and straightened her glove, pulling down on her sleeve slightly.

“Mother I don’t think now is the…”

“Now.” Her voice was cold as ice, letting it be known that the conversation was over.

“Yes Mother. Sarah, until next time.” His eyes locked on Sarah’s as he gave her a polite bow. Then glitter filled the air as Jareth vanished back to his mothers castle to await her return.

“My apologies Sarah, I would have been here sooner but I was in a meeting.” The queen's tone was softer and her eyes warmer as her attention was now on Sarah. 

“No need for apologies at all, your majesty. Thank you for ummm... popping in when you did. Would you like to come inside, I could make tea, coffee, or offer you a glass of wine if you prefer.” She quickly retrieved her keys from her pocket preparing to entertain a queen. Entertain a queen? Wow this was definitely not how she had planned her evening. But then again this was her life and things of late never seemed to go quite according to plan.

“Oh that sounds lovely, a chance for a little chat, just us girls, while that horrid little shit has a chance to stew and wait for his next lesson.”

Sarah bit her lip to try to stifle her laughter as she unlocked the door. The last thing she was expecting to hear the queen say was ‘little shit’ in reference to her darling son. The need to stifle her laughter quickly fled as she flipped the light switch, flipped it again, and still nothing happened.

“Sorry I guess your son didn’t see fit to fix this before he left.” Sarah said, as she wondered how she would explain to an after hours, emergency electrician that her power had been magically cut by a glittery, fluffy headed twat . That was not going to be a cheap service call. 

“Oh no worries, nothing I can't remedy.” With a quick flick of the wrist the lights were on, only to reveal a completely bare apartment.

“I take it my son did more than just turn out the lights?” The queen asked with a slight frown, as she surveyed the site of the empty rooms before her.

“Just a bit.” Sarah sighed, done with this day and very much done with Jareth’s shit. She would love nothing more than to crawl into bed and pull the covers over her head to block out the world. Sadly a bed and covers were among a long list of items she no longer currently possessed.

“One moment please, Sarah.” A crystal formed in the Queens outstretched hand, “Jareth?”

“Yes Mother?” the sound of Jareth's disembodied voice echoed loudly through the empty room.

“I believe Sarah would appreciate the return of her belongings. Immediately.” The tone of her voice let it be known that there would be no room for negotiation. 

“Right away mother.”

A pile of furniture, books and decor appeared piled high to the ceiling. The contents of Sarah’s night stand drawer proudly on display, as a rather large blue vibrator merrily buzzed its way across the floor bumping into a chair leg. That chair just so happened to have a bottle of lubricant precariously balanced on the edge. The vibrations knocked the lube onto its side and an oh so generous amount poured down onto the viberator below. 

“Real mature asshole, real fucking mature.” Sarah called out through clenched teeth. Her face taking on the shade of an over ripe tomato.

“Jareth!” Barked the high queen.

“Right away Mother.” Said the very smug disembodied voice of the Goblin King.

The apartment was back to rights in the blink of an eye.

“Apologies for my choice of words, your majesty.”

“No need, Sarah, the little shit deserves it and much more with his antics and please call me Aeryl.” She placed a hand soothingly on Sarah shoulder.

Sarah took a deep breath to center herself and start fresh, looking to put the evening’s memories of her interaction with Jareth behind her.

“Alright then Aeryl, may I offer you a beverage?”

“That sounds lovely, I believe we could both use a stiff drink, or two. Have a chat and get to know each other while that miserable excuse for a son of mine stews awaiting my arrival.” 

Sarah stepped into the kitchen and grabbed two of her nicest wine glasses from the cupboard. “Now then, would you prefer red or white?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Hope this chapter finds everyone safe and well.
> 
> Throughout this fic you will come across familiar quotes. Those will be from the Labyrinth itself and I take zero credit for any of the fabulous work given to us to enjoy by the Jim Henson company. I just want to play with their characters and smoosh them together once in awhile.


End file.
